Day one

Feb 28 4.15 pm Perth Airport

Typical. It’s raining.

Suddenly I want nothing more than to just go home and sit on the sofa with a cup of tea. My new tax free watch feels funny on my wrist. It’s a Swatch dudes, yo.

I am amazingly calm as if this is all happening to someone else. Despite there being several million small children on the plane, thankfully none are next to me. In fact no one is next to me. I have an empty seat, yo!

Very uneventful flight from Perth to Singapore. Watched ‘The Queen’. Helen Mirren irritated me again. Ate something that had the taste and texture of a broiled rubber doorstop. Looked out window, saw clouds and sea and the loooooong WA coastline slowly disappear. No gremlins pulling engines to pieces a la Twilight Zone. Strangely relieved.

Indulged spur-of-moment shopping impulse with inflight duty free. Spurned Kath and Kel style jumpers for booze (Absolut vodka Merri and Amy) and perfume (Prada!!!!). I am such a label whore.

No likely talent on plane. Vv disappointed at missed opportunity to join mile-high club. Looked in vain for Ralph Feinnes. No luck there either.

Singapore Airport was there, which was handy as that is where we were landing. Piled off into shopping paradise – a dangerous window of 3hrs among Armani, Gucci, Burberry, etc etc. Could have blown all spending money but instead bought wheelie trolley for (illegally) heavy hand luggage. Pulled trolley which immediately flipped over on its head, endangering the life of bottle of Absolut which was stashed therein. The horror! Swore in Australian. Booze intact, I explored and marveled at beautiful orchids. I walked, walked, walked kept walking. Walked some more. Big place Singapore Airport. Got on moving escalator thingy to get back to original spot. Thought about getting a massage but then remembered wearing anti embolism leggings and thought again. Sat and talked to a man about the stupid Australian government about which I had very little to say (shifty eyes).

Lined up to board plane. Watched as the security dude made a woman drink out of her bottle of water to prove it was indeed water. Had visions of drinking whole bottle of Absolut vodka for similar reasons. Broke out in cold sweat.

Departure delayed due to there being a bag on board with no accompanying passenger. Don’t you hate it when your luggage goes on holiday without you? Anyhoo, they had to unload the hold find the bag and take it off. Then we had to wait for a new takeoff window but finally started taxiing and taxiing and taxiing and taxiing. Fell asleep. Woke up. Still taxiing and taxiing. Considered the possibility that we were going to drive to London. Still taxiing. Read Equus again. Still taxiing. Wrote the Lord’s Prayer on the head of a pin. Still… you get the picture.

Took off. Looooooooooooong flight. Knees under chin. Hissed at those flying first class. Marvelled at how many gay flight stewards can fit in one plane (eat your heart out Mark). Endured the serving of dinner (again) hot towels, cold towels, drinks, coffee, tea, more duty free... Prayed they would eventually leave me alone to sleep or upgrade me.

Fell on man’s lap on way to loo. Mmmmm shiiiiiny. Discovered one shoe missing. No idea how this happened as laced double knotted. Suspect Twilight Zone gremlins. Flew v v long way. Still not upgraded to first class.

(Insert long boring flying details here.)

Landed at Heathrow. Man at Immigration asked me where I had come from. “The plane,” I said to which he raised an eyebrow and patiently asked where the plane had come from. He said I was mad to come to London for a holiday from ‘sunny Orstralia’. I smiled. I am here to see Dan you silly man. Anyhoo, I smiled at him and was through in about 30 secs. Everyone else seemed to be taking ages. Decided I liked nice man at Immigration.

Walked straight through Customs. Got bag. Approached by gentleman with electronic gizmo. He was from the Airport Authority wanting to ask me questions about my experience at the airport – did I mind answering them. No mate, I have come from Perth for no reason but to do just that. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Sigh.

Nikki arrived. BIG HUGS!!! YAY!!! Thanks for picking me up mate. <333. 6 degrees outside. Not shiiiiiny. Big hairy ride in Nik’s new car to Watford. Considered the possibility that after traveling 23 hours across the world I may just die on a London motorway. Amy you have lost your number one mad driving position.

OMG OMG OMG drove past Leavesden Studios. Put neck out craning for view. Saw the set for Privet Drive. Sigh.

The drive to Aunt’s house was very strange. Everything looked so familiar yet so strange. ALL the trees are bare. The grass is GREEN. There are daffodils and crocuses (crocii?) and primroses all over the place. Aunt pleased to see me – this could change. Had CUP OF TEA omg and bath and then set out to stay up all day. YAWN. Went to Aunt’s coffee morning. Won purple teddy bear in raffle. Where the @#$% am I going to put a large sparkly teddy bear in my luggage?

Managed to stay up till 8pm. Not bad. Can’t really think straight though. Went to bed and slept like the dead.